Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Would you "settle"?

This thought came to me as I was on my trip back to Singapore (from KL) as I was answering some interview questions...

Would you "settle" for someone?

If he or she was "good enough" but not "great"? If that person was "alright", but didn't blow your socks off? Would you wait enough long in a relationship and possibly waste both of your time, or hope that your love for him/her would grow and eventuate into what you always dreamt your lovelife would be?

Its possible to eventually fall in love with someone. Hell, I've been that person that someone 'eventually' fell in love with. Was I happy being in doubt? No. Did I trust him? No. But was I esentially happy...? .


The excuse that, "Hey, is alright. I could do alot worse.", is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Sorry. If you could do alot worse, you could also do better. And deep down inside, you know that.

The fact is, if you're seriously with someone (we're talking about living together here), that person should know, and feel, that he or she is your world. And there should be no doubt. At. All.

Why do some people then choose to 'settle'?

Insecurity, the inability to be alone (strong factor), amongst many other reasons.

How would I approach it?

Well, I'm comfortable enough to be on my own now, than to be with someone for company's sake. I choose to have enough respect for a person than to choose to be with them just 'cause they're *there*. When I'm with someone, I want it to be because I *know* that he is someone that I would be proud to be with, that I can reflect with and upon, and whom I know is someone of calibre that... well, deserves me! Is that being narcisistic? No. I think its just a level of self assurance, and knowing one's worth.

Because if deep down inside I *know* I can do better, then deep down inside, I wouldn't be happy. We should always work towards obtaining the best that we can in life; be it being the best person we can be, being the best friend we can be, the best daughter, friend.. why should we not strive to be have the best partner we can have?

But then again - here's me playing Devil's advocate with myself again - maybe its easy for me to talk. I'm in a happy, fulfilling relationship. *heh!*. Paul's an amazing man, and I am truly lucky to have him. I actually can't imagine my life without him - and that's a sign of what I believe to be true love. Its not when you can imagine your future with that person - its when you can't imagine it without.

Maybe its because I feel every good soul in the world deserves to have and feel what I do; A partner that fulfills every essence of our being.


Unknown said...

I totally agree with your post..Why should i "settle" just for convenience....i want the best of me, that is why i am still waiting for that special one....after all you live only once..so why not live your best life!!

Anonymous Liew said...

there iz no take 2 in life, live life to its fullest without regret =P

Mamapumpkin said...

Ooo......I couldn't agree with you more!!!

Andrea Fonseka said...

Thank you!

What I mean also in this post is that; I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who I don't think I should be with! What do you think?

naomi aka chaosnicky aka crazynick said...

It's better to be alone rather than be with someone you don't think you should be with! Singlehood is better too!! Lesser problems. ;)

Compulsive Blogger said...

Interesting that u wld bring this up. Its a question we all HAVE to have an answer to that before committing to someone. U r lucky in that sense; u know yr heart well.

I actually know a friend who just 'settled' with someone. She married the guy, but just a year earlier, she was pretty frank with all of us that if she could find someone 'better' than the current one, she would. Of course her husband never knew, and I feel sorry for the guy. The guy genuinely cares & loves her, & I think she knew it too.

Not everyone is blessed to be of calibre & I guess for 'average' ppl, leading regular lives, regular jobs, regular looks; its not so easy to just say "I will only be with someone worth my while, or be alone."

Someone comes along with a sincere heart to you, open & vulnerable, willing to commit their LIFE to you... is it so easy to turn them down because they are not the best we can have? Is the best not someone who sincerely loves u for who you are?

Leon said...

the most important thing in life is being happy. be it whether u are with someone or not. i guess life is very unpredictable you will never know when someone better walks into your life, so why rush into things? :) think about it.

Andrea Fonseka said...

What you're saying is very interesting, Compulsive Blogger.

I don't think the issue is whether or not one is 'average' and should therefore 'settle'. We are all human at the end of the day with the same desire to be happy in life.

That said, everyone's also different - I don't think I could be in a relationship I'd settle for simply becuase whilst I believe I would need to be with someone who is my equal, I also would think it unfair to the guy I settled with - as you say, you feel sorry for him.

At the end of the day, its just the basic choice of a person deciding "I'd rather be with someone than be alone". I disagree, I'd rather be alone and live my life to its fullest, than be with someone and not.

Leon said...

nicely said andre. totally nailed it!

Compulsive Blogger said...

Well, kudos to your for having such an unambiguous heart.... you certainly know what you want / dont want in life.

I dont think just 'settling' for someone will doom you to an unhappy life of regret any more than choosing to be single & free to do what you want will guarantee you fulfillment & happiness.

Like you said, there is no common answer for all of us. Some stay single, some just 'settle', some have arranged marriages & others marry out of love. We each have to find our own answer, & our choices are half chance.

Makes me suddenly think of the sunscreen song by Baz Luhrmann. Look it up! Cheers to all!


心魔 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
心魔 said...

What makes you think that Paul is THE MAN for you? What makes you so sure that there is no one more suitable for you out there than Paul?

Or put another way, why is having Paul better than being single?

"I can't imagine my life without him." But Andrea, before Paul came into your life, you were doing great all the same, no? AT THAT POINT, would it not have been absolutely NATURAL to imagine life without Paul? So if one day Paul is no longer in your life - wouldn't it be back to status quo?

I ask not out of disrespect to Paul or you, but rather - on what basis do you decide: "Okay, this shall be the person - I want him over and above: (i) everyone I have already met; (ii) everyone I haven't met; and (iii) being single"?

Anonymous said...

Hi Andrea,

Chanced across this post and afterwards had a gnawing thought at the back of my mind so i decided to come back and leave a comment.

When it comes to love, why do people talk about finding "the Best one", rather than "the Right one"? Its not just a semantics thing; the two words are not one and the same.

If a person is well and truly in love, wouldn't all these prefixes not matter? You'd be looking at "The One".

Wish you all the happiness and i hope Paul is The One. :)

Anonymous said...

hello hello baby andrea!!!! if only everyone could think like you!
Singapore divorce rate will go down.down down down!
lawyers wont be busy fighting these case!

Thats my honest view =)